The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
