Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
