Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
