All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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