Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
