I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
