I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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