I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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