you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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