My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
