I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
