shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
