Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We need to get me chipped asap
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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