dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
