I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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