When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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