I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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