My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I am available for nakedness
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
