My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
