Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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