Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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