worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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