Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
