Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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