hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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