Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
