I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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