Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
