Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
