The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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