i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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