Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
