i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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