and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
