Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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