i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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