no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he fucked my hip out of place.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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