dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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