If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
