I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
