She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
