GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
