my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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