it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
