i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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