remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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