A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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