i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
