Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
