oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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